I love when we turn the clocks back in the fall, not because of the early darkness that settles in before dinner, but because for the first day or two, I feel like I have more time. That’s a crazy concept! For a few fleeting moments I feel as though I’ve accomplished more. When I look at the clock and expect it to be three o’clock in the afternoon, it reads half past one.
On a day-to-day basis, this never, ever happens to me. The celebration is real. And…short lived. Our schedule quickly begins the process of resetting itself. In an attempt to hold onto this notion of “extra time,” I view it as a needed fresh start. Ultimately, with the days will end up feeling shorter as darkness settles in during the early evening hours, and I’ll be back to asking myself, “Where did the time go?” I wanted to prep meals, check emails, vacuum, fold laundry, play longer with our kids, and not be so exhausted I miss out on valuable conversation with my husband. That’s a TALL order and I usually feel defeated when I do not fulfill these internal desires. I set really lofty goals for myself.
I am thankful for the fullness of my days because they’re mostly filled with love. But…day after day it wears on me. Finding balance between family, work, personal goals, activities, etc. is like finding the pinhole leak in your son’s very favorite blow-up dinosaur – pushing the air around, but never finding the hole. It slowly deflates in the corner no matter how many times it’s been refilled with air. I don’t want to continue my “deflation” cycle.
Three years ago, between having Declan and Finley, I committed myself to healthier eating and exercise, not for the appearance of it all, but to bring together mind, body, and spirit. I embraced every single second of it, pushed through when I was feeling tired, and even managed to train for and run a half marathon – 13.1 beautifully grueling miles. For nearly four years now, I’ve been so consumed with every other aspect of our lives, each tiny detail of four little, growing humans, I forgot to fuel up. I have been running on empty for too long and it caught me in it’s ugly snare, trapped me with nowhere to go…
About this time last year, I was thinking of how blessed we were to avoid too many major illnesses, even nuisance ones like the dreaded stomach virus when we got slammed…strep, sinus infections, and more vomit and feces than a nurse sees in a 12 hour shift. I felt suffocated…sleep deprived, pouring endless hours into bed washing, bathroom cleaning, and nursing our little ones back to health that I started to struggle with sleep… “Who is throwing up now?!” Even the water filtering through the turtle tank had me jumping out of bed. When the last kiddo had it for the second time (I think it ended up being 8 to 10 bouts of it), I sat in tears on the floor of the baby’s room, paralyzed by the thought of starting the process over again. The logical thinker in me heard a small rational voice, “Be thankful this is all you’re battling right now. In less than 24 hours, they’ll bounce back and be healthy again, something many would give anything for…”
I was caught in anxiety’s death grip. As soon as I thought, “God, I can’t do one more sick kiddo!,” BAM! We had strep or ear infections or some other weird virus. “Okay…you’re right. I can, but I don’t have the energy or mental capacity to pull through unscathed on the other side.” Even though I didn’t realize it, I guess that’s the power of God pulling me through the darkness of one valley and into the light.
I hear the words of a sermon from months ago in the wise words of Pastor Steve, “Jesus invites us to find ourselves in a different kind of picture… We are all messes, precious spectacular messes.”
I was losing myself in the mess. I needed to tend to the brokenness inside, to clean out the spoiled leftovers from the refrigerator – the small container of stew shoved to the back, festering, stinking, and hiding in the darkness behind closed doors.
“Our hearts are restless until they rest in You (Jesus).” True story!
I wasn’t going to find clarity in the tears on the bedroom floor, or in the anger and irritability that gripped my heart, leading me to sit in a silent stupor pondering what to do next, but never finding the energy to move forward. I turned into myself and did a great job putting on my daily disguise. I appeared to have it all together. Isn’t that what everyone seems to be striving for nowadays? Managing schedules, appointments, work, play, etc., but hiding behind my mask was EXHAUSTING! It was stifling, like breathing in hot, sweaty, stale air, time and time again.
I found it one Sunday in a pew surrounded by our four little, beautiful distractions – “You are loved just as you are…Clarity is not necessary for life, but worth holding onto.”
Let me introduce you to Pastor Steve’s acronym for CLARITY:
C: Clear away distractions
L: Listen for God’s spirit
A: Ask God for the difference of your wants and His
R: Read the scripture
I: Intentionally reflect on what God would have you do
T: TRUST God to meet you in empty places
Y: Yourself – Offer yourself and life to Him
Here I was this Sunday morning, after running a morning marathon readying the troops, to sit quietly for an hour and half, and it was as though God was speaking right to my heart. It was the message I needed that very moment… God has my back and will bring me through. He doesn’t pluck me from the depths of despair so I can avoid the misery and self-hate. No. He pulled me through – everything that seems empty is actually full of blessings. I had to focus on the gift of grace, take off my mask, and clear away my distractions, so He could breathe life into me once again.
Somewhere in the cold bitter days of winter, while cooped up in our home, I allowed myself to lose sight of the panoramic view of life. Of the laughter, joy, and love, surrounding me in each moment, of the realization that at any given moment in time, little impressionable babes were watching and sensing my feelings and responses to each day, which leads me back to locating the reset button. How do I get out of this vicious, unproductive, miserable cycle?
Man was that little sucker hard to find! Once I found it, it must’ve been miswired because I had to keep hitting it over and over and over again! I thought to myself, “It must not be working – resetting the system and all of its intricacies.” It turns out, I was going about it all wrong. It wasn’t a mere matter of cognitively telling myself at the beginning of a day, “Today will be great! You’re going to rock this mom, wife, school psychologist, housekeeper, nurse, financial advisor, personal assistant role!” Or, at the end of the day, “You’re going to rock tomorrow. It’s okay you unraveled today. It happens.” Nope. That’s not how any of this works if you really, really, want to quit hitting the reset button…
Find CLARITY…clear distractions, listen, ask God to meet you where you are, read scripture, intentionally reflect, trust God, and yourself – offer yourself to Him.