Tantrums push me to the brink of my sanity. I probably could have quite a few myself throughout the day, but the hideousness of it all keeps those urges at bay. I have several internal meltdowns. Who wouldn’t want to throw themselves on the floor and demand every desire be met immediately? It’s like the Big Bad Wolf, “give me what I want or I’ll blow your house down.” Admittedly, I’ve been working on building a solid brick house, not easily rattled by the gargantuan emotions of our louder than life 5 year old. I’ve had several houses blown down…
It’s exhausting! I try to see them coming and head them off or avoid situations I know are likely to cause a nuclear meltdown. It’s like predicting the weather. Sometimes the storm blows over and other times we’re up against the wall of the eye.
I don’t want to be that helpless, embarrassed mom in the candy aisle trying to hide behind the nearest display. I also don’t want to be the mom who feels suffocated by anxiety and fear of facing big emotions and keeping it in check when I really want to join him on the floor.
Fellow parents, please don’t judge me. He’s not a heap on the floor because he’s a spoiled brat or because I suck at parenting. Think about it. We ALL have emotions. We ALL don’t necessarily handle our emotions in the best ways. Now, think about a child LEARNING about emotional regulation and what to do with these overwhelming things called feelings.
I will likely not handle his tantrums the way you would or the way you THINK I should. I will not yell back, threaten to spank, or drag him kicking and screaming to the nearest exit. I WILL, however, totally ignore him until it passes. I will not join his chaos. I will calmly make brief, specific requests. “Stop.” “Just breathe.” Walk away.” I will remove myself (as long as he’s safe). Eventually, the storm will pass and the sun will shine again.
Long after he’s calmed down, we talk about his feelings. I will sit with him and reassure him. I will teach him to own his emotions and not feel ashamed. I will teach him replacement behaviors and we will PRACTICE them. Trying to rationalize with an out-of-control preschooler is like trying to tame a caged animal. He won’t hear you and you will likely end up joining the cycle of negative behavior. Wait until it is over. Do not give into the demand. I repeat, DO NOT GIVE INTO THE DEMAND.
Brick by brick, I’ve been able to build my own tantrum-proof house that may rattle from time to time, but will not crumble. The daunting task of preventing a tantrum feels similar to strategizing a game of RISK or successfully moving the next pawn in a game of chess. I want to be the one to yell, “Checkmate!” You’re not going to win. Not today small human, not today…
I’ve had to shift my thinking so we BOTH win! In this Tantrum Toolbox, I’ve had to add implements for both of us. Riding out a tantrum may be commensurate with water torture or plucking my eyelashes out one-by-one or repeatedly slamming my fingers in the door. It’s mentally and physically draining and painful. I had to stop the cycle so we had more fabulous than frantic days.
1. Figure out the triggers. For my little Rex, 90% of the time it was rooted in a basic need not being met. Too hot, too tired, or HANGRY! Always try to start with these first. Video games were another. We HAD to set limitations. Interactions with siblings – know their limits and shift activities before the meltdown ensues. The boys play well together in 45-60 minute increments. I try to jump in with another activity before he hits his threshold. Unstructured places, such as the grocery store or places where he has to wait, like the doctor’s office are really hard for him. More on this in #7.
2. Give specific, positive feedback to your little Rex when he’s doing things well, like patiently waiting for his cup of milk that’s been forgotten 3 times or carefully helping his little sister pour a bowl of cereal. He needs to feel proud and successful.
We often overlook the positive or view it as something that is just “expected.” I don’t know about you, but I like to hear when I’m doing things well. It builds my confidence.
3. Redirect. When I see the volcano starting to smoke, I offer a quiet space (maybe a small kids’ tent), an extra hug, or calming toys. I keep these in a basket in the same place so eventually he’ll just grab what he needs.
Point out something in his environment. We spent time the other day watching bees collect nectar from our bee balm. He was excited to share with the others that we also saw baby hummingbirds.
4. Take deep breaths. This is good for parent and child! We try dragon breaths, which we also practice when he’s calm. If he says, “No!” I try to get his Dino or teddy to breathe with me. Another fave is to walk outside, take a deep breath, and say, “Do you smell that?” Or “What do you smell?” I love the smell of my flowers.
5. Use humor. I can be pretty goofy, so I start to make funny faces, bring out the tickle monster, or bust crazy dance moves. His laughter is contagious and I’d bet your child’s is, too! I’ll take giggles over tears and rage anyday.
6. Give him a helping job. It’s awesome to feel important. Rex loves knowing he’s contributing in some way. I try to make it something that requires physical effort, such as watering the flowers or walking to pick up the mail.
When I’m feeling edgy, it feels good to exercise. It relaxes me and releases happy chemicals in the brain.
7. Provide structure in unstructured settings. He may not always have a meltdown when we are out running errands, BUT they usually come later because he’s only heard me correcting him the whole time. “Stop running!” “Be quiet.” “Hold my hand.” “Don’t touch that!” “Stay away from your brother!”
Now, I talk about what my expectations are before we go places. I ask, “How do we behave in the grocery store?” Then I give jobs for the adventure. He’s our grocery grabber or organizer depending on how much we are getting.
Car pick up at his older siblings’ elementary school was historically problematic. He was so over-stimulated, he couldn’t keep his little body in check. We started to bring Greenie, his great green dinosaur, with us. His job was to take care of Greenie and make sure he didn’t get lost and used his manners. So, instead of correcting our little Rex, I’d tell him to make sure he used a quiet voice and walking feet while we waited, so Greenie would do the same. I’d tell him we wouldn’t want a crazy t-rex running around the school, especially because he’s starting school this fall.
8. Respond consistently. This is essential. When you respond the same way, your child will start to know what to expect. If they’re always guessing how you’re going to react, it may make the meltdown more intense or longer in duration. I should know this from my professional training, BUT it’s so different when it’s your own child. I’m not always in the best mood when he decides to throw down. It’s when I’ve had to practice my OWN mindfulness.
Breathe. And repeat…”I will be the calm in the chaos.”